Starting Over

For the first time in 40 years, I'm about to live by myself (with my 16 yr old daughter) without a man in my life.

You see, I've been married for 11 years. We've been together 15 next month. For the past 5 years, I've slowly fallen out of love. Not only with my husband, but with myself.

I don't know who I am anymore. I've become a recluse in my own home. I rarely do anything that requires me to leave the house. I hate the me I have become. I'm depressed and unhappy. I certainly don't love who I have become.

So, I am leaving my husband. Embarking on a new journey of self discovery. I want to learn about me. What things I truly like and don't. I'm going to try new things and really give it my all to see if I can find activities that really do bring me joy. I want to discover things about myself I never knew. I just want to love me again.

I'm terrified of this new journey. My anxiety is through the roof and it hasn't even started yet. I have been putting on a good front for everyone around me. But I'm terrified. Sick to my stomach, shaking hands. terrified.

I have an amazing support system. Family and friends are nearby when I need them. But I don't ask for help.

I learned from a very young age the only person I can truly rely on is me. This is one of the things I need to work on, I know. Most everyone who I am close to also knows this. So they know when I reach out, I'm really struggling.

This blog is my first step towards self discovery. I am going to try my hardest to write about my life, at least once a week. The thoughts I had, if I discovered something new about myself, etc. Now anyone who know me, knows I say I'm going to do something like this, and then I flake. Too much responsibility. Or I get annoyed with it. But I'm going to give it a shot.

Who knows where this road will take me. Hopefully it takes me where I'm suppose to be and allows me to love me again.